Window Lines

Sometimes the sweetest gestures are those given in mystery.

For me, ÜÜÜ meant a lot of things. They never really stood for words, but rather for emotions that couldn’t find their way out through words. It was the easiest way of saying "I like you" or "I’m happy with you" or "I’m praying for you" or many other things. Often, they were the sweet excuses for just trying to make my presence felt.

At first, she was both intrigued by what they meant. Often I would really have to put into phrases what they really meant in a particular message. The fact that text messaging could be vague, such a message was everything but clear. Catching the thoughts embedded in the symbols was not something that initially went like reading words with nothing in between. Here, they were neither words or the lines in between.

But as the bond between us grew deeper from liking to loving, ÜÜÜ took a new meaning for both of us. The months passed and soon, she did not require an explanation for the three smiles. Somehow,she was now beginning to get their meanings in the context of a discussion. Still, it couldn’t be avoided that she would have to ask what the three smiles were for in that particular conversation. But i loved it–her constant asking of their meanings.

And in the days that have passed since that first Wednesday of October 2001, it had finally come to its all-encompassing meaning…

… that I truly love her…

All that was missing now was for me to tell her that.

As this was, for me, the most serious move that I was about to make as far as matters of the heart were concerned, i could not afford to make any assumptions. I did not assume that she knew my feelings for her, neither did I assume of myself that I was indeed falling in love with her. I had to be sure of my feelings this time. I have gone through too much of love’s complications that this one has to be wisely and sensibly thought of. I prayed to God for my feelings, and I asked Him to settle my emotional upsurges, and let His wisdom flow through me dominate my head in taking the road up ahead. I prayed for her also, that as I am finally now ready to tell her my feelings of love for, so also would she be ready to take it. Neither did I assume her possible reactions–they would only torture my head harder than the thought of saying it and waiting for an answer. In short, I would have to face things one at a time.

And so I called her up.

I was at Burger King at that time, having lunch with my high school classmates. They used to be friends and eventually ended up as couples. I watched the beginning of their relationship, and now they were to witness mine.

She answered.

I greeted her, checked how she was doing and if i was disturbing her. She said she was okay and that she was quite free that time. I asked her if she was cool for a conversation, and she was fine with it.

Honestly, at that time, i really did not know how to start the conversation that would end up into the confession. And so, I said it with the only way I know–with all honesty…

"Cess, I called up just to tell you something that I’ve always wanted to tell you…

"…well, we’ve known each other for quite sometime now, and thus far it was quite an experience. It was something I have never experienced before–a relationship that has grown deeper and stronger than just emotional ties. I have prayed about this, and I wanted to make sure that the moment I tell you this, I would be in the highest level of certainty about this, and that no matter what your reaction is, I would be ready for it…"

There was a pause… and then she answered…

"Ummm… okay. What is it?"

"Well… ummm…"

"… I just wanted to tell you that…"

"…I love you…"

a very long pause….

"Ummm… okay… ummm… "

"well… ummm… let me finish first…"
"I really don’t have any reason why. It’s not your looks, or your kind heart or your good nature that has made me fall for you. But its you… all of you. Your entire person. It’s you and everything of you that I love. Well, I know I’m imperfect. I may not be someone you’ll like and love. But still, I just wanted you to know that."

again… the pause…

"Cess?"

"Yes?"

"So?"

"Ummm…"

"What, Cess?"

"Well…"

"Don’t worry, if you don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to."

"No… really, I want to say something also…"

"Okay. Ummm… i’m listening…"

Over the line,I could hear her giggling a bit. In my head I could imagine her smiling… a sweet killer smile…

"Well, with what you just said… i also want to tell you…"

"…tell me what?"

"…tell you that…"

"… that…"

"Cess?"

"…that I love you too…"

"ummmm…

…could you say that again?"

"Yes, I love you too, RC. I was really afraid of this feeling. Really. I was afraid to love again. But because of your love, because of what you have shown and done for me…"

another long pause…

"…I’m listening Cess…"

"…because of your love… you’ve taught me to love again. You’ve taught me to love you. And in the days that we have known each other, i have come to know you to be a person i could trust , respect and depend upon. I see your faithfulness to God and your commitment to Him. I’m so glad to have met you, and for us that we could have this commitment for each other."

That was perhaps the most profound expression of love that I have both said and heard of. I have never said anything like that before, neither have I heard anyone say that to anyone, let alone to me. It was really an inexplicable feeling. It was a mix of sheer happiness, perplexed surprise, and a healthy feeling of pride.

Time had gone so fast. My cellphone load was soon draining and I had to wrap up the conversation. I promised to call her at home as soon as I arrived. She said she’ll be waiting, and soon we said our "good byes" and a pair of "i love you."

It was already past lunch time. The restaurant was soon thinning down from its crowd. My friends were taking their last bites on their burgers. Cars and buses were crawling through the avenue just outside the window glasses. Bystanders and transients were moving to and fro from every direction. The next 5 minutes was coming and we we’re soon leaving.

As I put that phone down, I realized it would be the last time I would make a phone call as an ordinary RC. I knew things would be different–wonderfully different. I was smiling profusely as placed the cellphone back into my pocket. I snapped my finger and winked my eye to the world outside me. I stood up with an air of confidence and healthy pride. I strode along towards the door with a feeling of lightness and joy.

I walked out that restaurant as someone who was in love with, and was being loved by…

… A Princess

That first Wednesday of October way back in 2001 was supposed to be an ordinary day. In fact, there was really no other reason to remember that day. Hectic schedules had just fizzled out as the Church’s anniversary had just concluded the week before. I had just gone through the tough finals of that semester, and i was just waiting for the turn of my last two exams. And of course, the prayer meeting, that was everything but distinctly special. The day was supposed to end in a plateau of normal moments.

Until I got my cellphone and started texting Cess.

It began as a quick greeting. Then the greeting turned into a conversation. Then the conversation turned into a session of confessions…

…confessions…

"Is it okay if kept going on this texting? Somebody might get mad at me…" I said.

"Mad? Who would get mad at you for texting me?" she asked.

"I don’t know… your boyfriend maybe…"

"Hahaha…"

"Why?"

"I don’t have a boyfriend right now."

"Oh, is that the case? I see."

…and the long, torturing pause..

"Umm, Cess?"

"Yes?"

"Have you had any boyfriends before?"

"Yes, but we broke up already, remember."

"Oh… I see… i’m sorry for that."

"Oh it’s okay. It’s been a long time now."

"I see, would you mind if I ask you what happened?"

"Well… he broke my heart… found someone else."

"I see."

And here comes the most unforgettable part…

"Why’d you ask,anyway?" she said.

… again a long pause… a much needed pause I took so i could properly phrase my answer… all with the ingredient of honesty and sincerity…

"Honestly?" i replied…

"Yes. Why were you asking about it?" she asked as well…

"So that if I’m ever in that same position with you,I’d know what to do not to break your heart…"

"Huh? What do you mean by that?"

"Honestly," i said, "i’m beginning to like you Cess. More than just a friend. i really can’t explain how, but i’ve got this inexplicable feeling for you. It’s as if i’m drawn to you. And it’s not your smile, or your hair, or anything physical that has caught me… it’s you. Everything about you."

… pause…

"Cess, I don’t know how this means to you,but I just want you to know that whatever this means for me or for you, I will do my best to make sure I won’t hurt your feeling or destroy this friendship we have built. If it’s not too much, I hope you’d give me a chance to prove myself before you. I will prove myself that I am a faithful God fearing man you could respect and look up to and trust."

…pause, again…

…and the reply that took my breath away…

"Umm, I really don’t know what to say… but the truth is… i feel the same way for you. You’re a nice person, and i feel comfortable and happy with you. I like you also, and I value the friendship that we have so far. thanks for the honesty and sincerity you’ve shown for me. For sure we can work things out for us soon. Okay?" she said.

"That’s more than enough you could give for me right now. Thanks Cess."

"Okay. Gudnyt RC."

…and from here on, my texts were never the same…

"Gudnyt, Cess. ÜÜÜ"

So what’s unforgettable about that night?

The three smiles at the end of the text.

ÜÜÜ

How I wish it was not yet 5:00 in the morning. But my cellphone was blaring all across the room, as if screaming to tell me to get up and get going. Half my body was walking towards the bathroom, while half my soul was still clinging to the soft pillow. Whatever state I was, the new day was one hundred percent real.

Each day I receive is a gift from God–a brand new opportunity to learn, grow, and become a better person. Whatever “me” crucified to the bed the night before will never be resurrected anymore to my persona today. I am a new person today, facing a new set of challenges, bringing with me a new set of ammunitions, but through it all with the same Strength and Refuge I have always depended upon.

Nightmares can only be as real as you allow them to. The past can be the ghost that can be anything but pleasurable. And if I were to solely rely upon myself, I’d be struggling against an impossibility and an irritation–myself…again. I should learn by know.

From where God has placed me now, He has allowed me to both appreciate and attend to my present and to my future. Appreciate this present where the grace of God is what my souls feasts upon right now. And pay attention to what will come tomorrow, for the enemy is ever improvising at how it could have its clutches upon me.

More than myself, God knows me through and through. And if I’m expecting to find my way out of the many land mines the devil has set up along my path, I should be wise enough to stop and listen to what God has to say for every option I choose over another. Now, more than ever, i fully appreciate the act, perhaps more fittingly the art, of waiting and thinking.

By God’s grace today, I will be a better person than who I was yesterday.

Are miracles still true today? Are they the same as they were when the Bible had once talked about them? Would we be lucky enough to see one in our lifetime?

But the other important question that we ought to be asking is, what are miracles? How do we define miracles? When one begins walking on water, is it a miracle? Or perhaps when a glass of water becomes a shot of vodka for the wine-trippers, is it the greatest miracle for them? Or when

one puts his shaking hand on somebody else’s forehead, pushing that person to unconciousness, and then after 5 scripted minutes wakes up, claiming all the tumors gone, are these the miracles we are actually looking for?

Why don’t you look harder inside your hearts, inside your inner beings, inside your homes, your classrooms, in the forgotten corners of dimly-lit streets, and there, if you listen and look harder than normal, you will witness and experience the faint yet felt power of miracles. When one is able to make ends meet for a broken family, when a father is able to be a good stage dad for his 3 year old kid performing in the annual school play, whenever a teen-ager says no to drugs, whenever an 18-year old girl says yes to a decent education, whenever an orphaned kid strives in the most noble way to live a life in the most sufficient and contented way, when a mother leaves her work to attend her daughter’s recital, when a hard-up kid returns a lost wallet to the owner, without expecting for anything in return… and so many ordinary stories that do not have glittering magic potions or levitation effects, or the scream-and-proclaim-the sudden-healing dramatics, but simply day to day scenes of how the faith and resilience of the human spirit in full dependence to the grace of God continues to live in this entropic world…

…there’s your miracle. And you can keep on believing

i was listening over my favorite radio station early wednesday morning. they had this regular morning survey question, where they ask listeners to text in their entries, and see if they land it to the top ten answers.

that day, the question was “Continue the phrase: Life is…”

I thought of the best answer that i could come up. but i wanted it to be simple but profound, ironic but making sense, deep but comprehenseive, mindboggling but eyeopening. the definition had to contain my very sense of what life has become for me: a mixture of blacks and whites, rights and wrongs, favors and ills.

and i finally came up with an answer, which landed the top spot…

…life is fair…

…in being unfair.

The opinions of men vary on the methodologies that lead to one’s emergence to greatness. To some, it is by pushing one’s limit further than normal that brings greatness to otherwise ordinary people. For some, it is by the daring heart and the determined head that gets impossible things done. While still for others, it is by sacrifice and spiritedness that transforms a simple resolve into a supernatural reality.

While they all are true, if not mostly applicable to a great majority of men, perhaps a less considered route would be one that even heroes have faced in their lives. but, no, they are never, and will never be written in the journals of these great men. The hardest and most meticulous research of the greatest recorders of history would find it futile to trace the root, the foundation, the very core of the existence of these greatmen, of the legends and tales that mysteriously surround their persona, or of the many factors that poetic words would fail to capture.

And yet that root is one that is found in every person’s self, whether ordinary or beyond normal. There is actually no mystery, no shroud, or veil of secrecy that covers the reality of that one important phenomenon that befalls all imperfect creatures like us, who, in the face of an Immortal and Perfect God, would also come face to face with that reality. And in facing that reality, one accepts who he or she naturally is.

It is in this acknowledgement that the first step to greatness begins… and the second… and the third… and so on. The journey continues, but it could never have started any other way than in this crossroad. That though men push their boundaries, or position their minds in focus, or kindle their hearts aflame for the opportunity of a lifetime, all the blazing phoenix could first do is to start somewhere humble and humiliating, somewhere simple and secluding, yet liberating and livening.

Yes… greatness starts in that corner…of facing, accepting, and overcoming weakness.

prayer is inevitable. even those who defy the existence of an Absolute Being chant in some way or another. the act of praying has been for most people a defense mechanism. to others it is their safety zone. to some, its their “good luck” charm. for others, its their way for blaming Somebody for all this injustice to humanity.

but i pray not for anything material to gain. prayer is a whole lot more than just your delivery hotline number to God, or some radio program where you could just spill out all the heart break of life.

i pray because it is the only way to connect to God. and the connection is not one that requires formats of repetitions of words or of a long list of “please give me these and those.” prayer is more than just your saviour during final exams, or when the classcards are up for distribution. prayer takes more than just kneeling down pretentiously or clasping your hands as firm as you can, or lifting them up, or smiting your breast, or shedding a tear.

prayer is the perfect reflection of a man whose life, heart, soul and spirit is in tune with his Creator. prayer in its genuine form is spontaneous, natural and unceasing. it is a state of living and walking close to the Lord at all times, whether good times or misfortunes befall you. it is never dictated by the tempo of material gain, or by the amount of answered petitions God has rendered.

prayer is life.

Since I left my old self behind, I had to always run and be on the move. As I delved deeper into God’s Word, I found out this one important thing: that the devil could make the worst out of your idleness and turn you into a stupid foolish person. That’s because idleness robs you of the privilege of growing up and exploring a lot of other things that only effort and hard work can give you.

So, I must always be on the run.

One could never afford to be stagnant in anything. A person that has been in stasis in his every endeavor indicates only that he is not growing. Anything alive must grow, must move, must live.

So, I must always be on the run.

There have been times that this idleness has destroyed lives of people. In my case, I fed my old self (that I left in that plant box) through this idleness. Now that I have detached myself from “myself” I feel lighter now.

So, I must always be on the run.

And now, i’ve got something up on my appointment.

So, I’ve got to run.

I sat down on that plant box. The wind was colder than usual. That long stretch of idle road was dimly lit. It was the perfect time to have a confrontation…

…with myself.

The struggle of my life was now face to face with me. And i could never run away from the conflict that has taken the greatest toll to my broken spirit. I had to break free, to finally leave my old self behind at that plant box.

And so when I had finally sat down, I stood up…

“This is it…”

“…what are you talking about? You sit down here.”

“…no…”

“…quit being stubborn! You come back here right now!”

“…no more! I am done with you! I am breaking free!”

“…wait…you can’t do this to me!”

“…oh yes I can…”

…………………………………………………………………………..

The struggle isn’t over. But I’m determined…

…to break free!